I simply want to

I simply want to be simple. To stop thinking so much about the when and where and how. To stop trying so hard to get it right again and again and again and again - because I never quite remember that one thing that reminded me that everything was ok the last time it was not ok. I hate myself for forgetting what that thing was that I did last time that made me love myself again.

My head offers suggestions but not all of it is helpful and I do not have the magic to do them all at the same time, the time to try one after the other or the ability to decide which one to start with.

I simply want it all to stop. To know that I am ok, to not even wonder if I am perhaps not ok, to simply fall from moment to moment covered in delightful surprise. Laughing to myself, Oh am I still here? This page is so solid under my pen and all the colours in the world surround me. The afternoon sun is fading and my bed is calling me, covered in the quilt I had to hand wash because it is too big for the washing machine and is now smelling of dryness and sunlight.

Washing that quilt sure is hard. It gets so heavy when it’s wet and I rinse it in bath after bath of fresh water but the water remains brown so eventually I hang it over the side of the shower where it drips all night sounding almost like rain.

I simply want the luxury of crying until whatever causes the tears to well up whenever I relax is washed clean and fresh and it can see something new it has not noticed before that gives it hope and makes it smile.