I can’t know…

As I make my lists of what I want / what I love (followed by what I don’t want and what I will say no to), I can’t really know – not for sure anyway – what this dreaming will manifest into.
And yet, I continue to dream, I continue to strive, I continue to create.

That inner critic in me likes to ask, “will you ever be happy or content? You are always looking for something else, something more!”
But, off you go, inner critic!
It's thoughts like these that keep me from accessing the truth of my wants.

Wanting is something I have been flirting with lately.
I found a post-it note that I wrote sometime not too long ago that said, “strengthen and grow the muscle of wanting.” Hm. Interesting. I’ve been flirting with the idea for a while now, so it seems,… not just in the last week.

And so, I drop in. I let go. I release that internal board of directors.
I don’t need to run my ideas by them!
I can’t know. Again, I truly cannot know, what they would even say anyway! It’s pure speculation what happens in that board room.
And so many things are out of my hands anyway.

I may have written this before – because it was so poignant and applicable to so many life circumstances – But I had an uncle once say in a family email, “Pray like it’s all up to God and act like it’s all up to you.”
And yes! I like that balance.
It's not all one or the other.
We can just let go and let God.
We have agency, we humans – and responsibilities.
We also can’t control everything either.
So, I strive to find that balance.
Because I just can’t know what is ahead or around the bend.