I pretended to…

I pretended to care. I put this face on a lot, with my family. And sometimes they put it on for me.

I pretended to be busy. I do this often, when I want to hide from something. It's often an excuse people will accept. I'm trying to pretend less. It's often not true that I'm busy. And I don't like to be, really. It makes me feel fragmented. I like a lot of space, and time.

I pretended to care. Actually, I'm not very good at this. There's a lot I do care about. It's visible. And so I suspect that when I pretend, that's visible too. If someone is paying attention. If they care.

Right now I'm very angry. I'm not pretending at all. Angry is not helpful. But I also can't seem to clear it from my heart. I can't see much or do much with this tangled ball of yarn in my way.

I don't know what to say. There might be a story I want to tell, a way I want to be seen. I want to sit in the sunlight with a cold drink in my hand and express my hot anger. Let it scorch the earth. __